God Of Christmas
by Mr. Sinestro
Summary: Kratos battles Santa Claus for the soul of Christmas. A holiday story the whole family can enjoy!


Snow fell gently upon the frozen ice caps of the arctic as peace came upon the world for one day. Alone in the arctic was a house in the center. The lights from inside stretched for miles across the tundra surrounding it. A jolly laugh filled the air as the door to the house opened. Out stepped a big, fat man wearing a flamboyantly red coat.

"Oh, it's going to be a difficult ride this year! Are you ready, Rudolph?"

A happy reindeer with a bright red nose stepped up right next to him.

"You bet, Santa!"

"We better hurry. Christmas is going to start in China at any minute."

"Are there even Christians there?"

"Oh ho ho. Not at all, Rudolph. Not at all. I just want to stop by to say hello to all the factory workers that made all our fabulous gifts this year. Besides, the government just loves red!"

"Right you are!"

While Santa closed the door, Rudolph peaked his head out the doorway.

"Say, Santa! Who's that?"

Santa opened the door slightly more to see a lone wanderer walking silently towards his house.

"Hello there! Would you like to come in for some hot cocoa or perhaps some milk and cookies?"

The figure stopped in the snow. His shadow spread as long as the light from the house. He twisted himself back and hurled something at Santa's feet. Santa looked down and stepped back suddenly.

"My word!"

Santa picked it up. It was an elf's head.

"No! Not Skippy!"

The man stepped out from the swirling snow. He worse nothing really except war paint and scars. Of course he also wore a loin-cloth as well. Can't really have nudity in a PG-13 rated fic.

"All your elves are dead, old man."

"Who...who are you?"

"The gods called me Kratos."

"Gods? What the..."

Rudolph stepped out slightly.

"Oh you're going to get it, mister!"

Santa turned to him.

"Rudolph, you're out of your element! Go back with the other reindeer. I can handle this."

Kratos stepped up closer to Santa.

"You have forsaken the world of men for the last time. The monster you created has returned...to kill you."

"What the hell are you talking about? What monster? I didn't do anything!"

"You turned your back on the present-less masses! Imagine the torment of waking up one morning to realize that you completely missed the black Friday deals on a new blu-ray player. Or a child, weeping under a murdered tree, praying pitifully to the gods that did not deliver unto him his one wish: the complete Seinfeld gift set with the bonus DVD that didn't come with the original releases. You will know true pain when I am finished tonight."

He took out the sword of Artemis.

"Whoa, whoa. Easy now, buddy. All I do is deliver gifts on Christmas. I don't give gifts throughout the year."

"Then why do I find your face on this?"

From his loin cloth, he pulled out a Coca-Cola can.

"Oh I knew that would come back to haunt me. Look, I needed some cash so I could get a house in the Hamptons for the summer. I can't help myself! They just came with a big pile of cash!"

"You sold your soul for an estate? You're even more pitiful than I remembered."

"We never met!"

"We have met...in my nightmares."

"Look, take whatever you want. Just...just don't hurt Mrs. Claus."

"Where do you think I stopped before I met the elves?"

"No..."

"Yes. The knife store."

"Whoa, whoa. That was completely misleading...whew, for a second there I thought you killed Mrs. Claus."

"No. I killed an orphanage."

"...I really don't know how to respond to that."

"Enough chatter. Now I will relieve you of the suffering of this world. May Hades be merciful upon your soul."

He lifted up his sword but, before it could fall, it was blocked by a giant candy cane.

"Santa is not going down so easily."

Santa tripped Kratos to the floor. He aimed to crush Kartos' head with the blunt end but he dodged just in time. Kratos took out his blades of chaos and swung them across the room. The blades grabbed hold of a couch and slammed it into Santa. He flew across the room to a wall near the fireplace. The blades gave way from the couch as Kratos leaped into the air towards Santa. Santa moved in time and Kratos cracked a hole into the wall, sending a cold rush of arctic air into the once warm home. Santa moved to the backdoor of the house and grabbed hold of a rope next to it.

"Eat hot death, Kratos."

Overhead, Kratos saw a gigantic cauldron of white-hot cocoa. Santa snapped the rope like a raw noodle and ran out the door. The cauldron twisted upside down. Kratos turned and ran as tidal wave of hot cocoa swept the entire house. Before he could get through the hole in the wall, the wall of cocoa slammed into him. Kratos struggled to swim to the surface as he was enveloped by steaming cocoa.

"By the gods! I'm drowning in delicious cocoa!"

He screamed.

"It burnt my tongue! Ow!"

Out back, Santa readied his reindeer. Rudolph was in front and a gigantic bag of gifts was behind Santa.

"What are we going to do about the elves, Santa?"

"Rudolph, shut the hell up and start flying!"

He cracked the whip to the reindeer and they ran off. From the hole in the wall, cocoa spilt out copiously. Kratos latched onto the side of the house and stepped into the snow, covered head to toe in cocoa. He raced towards the sled as it pulled itself from the ground and into the air. Swinging his blades, he managed to latch them onto the rear-bumper of the sled. Kratos flew up. Hand by hand, he pulled himself closer to the sled by climbing the chains left by the blades.

"We got a stowaway, Rudolph. Evasive maneuvers!"

The sled spiraled around as Kratos hung on for dear life. One of the blades broke loose from the sled and fell thousands of miles below. He looked down and could see the frozen sea surrounding the arctic. He clasped both hands to the last remaining blade and climbed faster. Like a loose tooth, it jangled back and forth from the sled as it spiraled faster and faster. The blade broke loose with Kratos hanging from it. Santa cracked the whip again.

"That's enough, Rudolph. I think we shook him off."

A familiar clang came from the driver's side of the sled and Santa peered over. Emerging from below the sled, Kratos punched Santa in the face and he flew to the other side. Kratos stood on top driver's seat and slammed Santa's head into the dashboard.

"It's over, Claus. Accept your death."

"You have been a very naughty person, Kratos. I have a special gift for people like you."

Santa reached into his bag and took out two rusty chainsaws.

"Oh yeah! That's the stuff!"

He pulled the strings and the chainsaws came to life. Santa lunged at Kratos as he crawled onto the front of the sled. Santa leaped up and swung the weapons madly in the air. One chainsaw came dangerously close to Kratos' head but his muscular arm stopped it. Blood sprayed over the reindeer.

"Your weapons are weak...but holy gods do they hurt like a bitch."

Kratos kicked Santa back with the chainsaw still stuck in his arm. He tore it out hastily and wielded it like a blade. They lunged at each other and sparks flew across the sky as both of the chainsaws struck each other. Before long, the sparks set the ropes holding the reindeer on fire, letting some of them loose. The sled was now on its side with a few reindeer pulling it. Kratos and Santa hung onto the the edge of the sled, dropping their chainsaws below.

A man walked out of his house, gashes on his face. He stood there on the lawn screaming.

"Come on, it's Christmas. Why can't we at least have a nice family dinner without you bringing up my womanizing?"

A woman stepped out of the house.

"Are you friggin' serious? I didn't even invite you to come here! Just because you're a big star, it doesn't mean you have an open invitation to every family function."

"Look, if I've been unfair to you, may a rusty chainsaw fall from the sky and rip me to shreds."

A rusty chainsaw fell right next to him and stood up from the ground buzzing.

"See? Even G-d agrees with..."

Another rusty chainsaw fell from the sky and cut him in two.

The sled roared across the night sky as Kratos and Santa dangled from it.

"We need to find a way so we can both survive this. Kratos, could you lift me to my bag of gifts?"

"So you may find another means to vanquish me?"

"No, you idiot! I can get a parachute so we can both get off here alive."

"This isn't over, Claus."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just swing me to the bag, okay?"

Kratos grabbed Santa and threw him towards the bag. Santa clutched to the bag as he looked down. They were flying over New York City now. Santa reached into the bag and found a parachute. He slipped it onto his back.

"Now Claus, send me one!"

"Oh, I'm afraid this chute is only big enough for one. Have a holly jolly death, Kratos! Ho ho ho!"

Santa leaped off the sled and fell below. Kratos edged his way to the bag and jammed his hand in it to find nothing. The rickity sled slid from the last ropes holding it to the reindeer. Kratos leaped from the sled as it fell to earth.

Santa stared below.

"Ah, there's always next Christmas. Maybe next year I'll finally kill those martians that have been a pain in my ass all these years."

"You won't have another Christmas, Claus!"

From above, Kratos fell on Santa. They both grappled for the chute.

"You fool! We'll both die!"

"Better naughty than dead."

"That doesn't even make any sense in this context!"

"Oh...then something bad-ass."

Kratos grabbed the chute and kicked Santa down towards the city. Kratos released the chute and flung himself away from Santa. Santa screamed as he plunged down faster and faster.

"Rudolllppppphhh!"

SPLAT! Santa was impaled on the Empire State Building. He slid down slowly as Kratos fell down gently beside him. He tore the chute off.

"You can rest now, Claus. Your torment is over but mine...is just beginning."

Rudolph pulled up beside Kratos.

"I'll say! Who's going to deliver all of these presents?"

Kratos saw the bag of gifts fallen right by Santa's body and thought for a while.

A lonely house. The small child sleeps on a chair next to the fireplace with milk and cookies ready. Dirt fell down from the chimney as the child awoke slowly to see a man pull himself from the ashes.

"Uh...Santa?"

Kratos, wearing Santa's bloody clothing as well as Santa's beard ripped from his corpse, stood above the child. He grabbed the milk and cookies.

"What is this nonesense? I desire MEAT!"

He chucked the tripe into the ashes of the chimney. He opened the bag of gifts and took out a severed arm. With it, he reached into the bag and flung a couple to the child.

"Here! Take these gauntlets and this blu-ray of "Up". The tyranny of the one called Santa Claus is no more."

The small child jumped from the chair and walked backwards slowly out of the living room.

"What happened to Santa?"

"Santa is dead by my hand, little child. For now on I am...the G-D OF CHRISTMAS!"

Happy holidays everybody!


End file.
